Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
