Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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