My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
