That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
