Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
