I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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