Kareoke will never be a sober sport
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
