P.S. I can't hear my feet
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Randomize