omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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