New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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