if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
