They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
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