Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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