i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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