Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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