The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Randomize
