why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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