dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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