Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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