I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
