Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
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