if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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