I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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