this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
