my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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