I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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