super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
