South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
