I just cut my nipple shaving
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Randomize
