i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Randomize
