If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
