I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
