Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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