last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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