this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
