Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize