So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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