Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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