and you said cock pushups were impossible
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
