he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
