i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Randomize
