My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
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