I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
