Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
