Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
