You made me cry and you don't even care
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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