I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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