pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
