I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
