So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
