come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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