were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
