he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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