Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
3 2 1 whiskey
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
