Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
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