My friends, they love my intelligence
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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