Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
