The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
