And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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