I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize