i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
