I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
