his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
