I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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