my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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