Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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