Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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